


Vulnerable

by SarahMia95



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem, Slightly dubious past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahMia95/pseuds/SarahMia95
Summary: "You're not the only one who feels vulnerable"





	Vulnerable

“You’re not the only one who feels vulnerable.”

 

_She’s back, she’s here again, and Magnus can’t breathe. Her dark eyes gleam in the moonlight flooding through the open window of his loft, and she takes a step closer. And suddenly, he’s running, and her hands are in his hair and he’s kissing her, again, at last, finally._  

 

Magnus knows that he falls fast. It doesn’t happen very often; he didn’t earn the reputation of being one of the most promiscuous warlocks in North America by being in a series of monogamous, long term relationships. When he does fall, though, he falls hard. That first night in Pandemonium, when he had first seen Alec, his whole world had shrunk down, compressed, and he’d known; the man was special.

 

_Camille has been here for a few days now, back from her latest trip to South America. She does that, leaves for a few days, weeks, months, before coming back to him. He misses her when she’s gone. He doesn’t like to think about what she does when_ _she’s away. He doesn’t want to know. But she always comes back._

His hand touches Alexander’s, and a jolt of energy runs through him. He knows logically that everyone in the circle had felt that spark, it was a natural part of forming the demon circle. And yet, as Alec’s eyes meet his, Magnus feels the spark again, deeper and more primal than before.

 

_Mornings like this are Magnus’ favourite. Camille’s body is curled around his, her arms thrown across his chest, her long hair tangled and slightly greasy. Her make up is smudged from where she forgot to take it all off the night before. She doesn’t need to sleep, of course, but she indulges him sometimes and spends the night in his bed. As if she can sense his waking body, Camille smiles seductively at him, leaning up to kiss at his neck and the stubble starting to grow on his chin. Magnus’ head falls back in pleasure._

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec.”

And Magnus knows its true. He’s never understood Shadowhunters and their rigid traditions and rules. Even the mundanes in most parts of the world no longer find the idea of two men together anything out of the ordinary. He knows, of course, that its more than that. That the blonde haired man Alec had seen had been his paratabai. That such a union was more than forbidden; it was sacrosanct.

 

_More nights than not, they end up here. Lights pulsing above them, bodies writhing together, it’s not clear where she ends and he begins. His arms are draped around her neck, pulling her close, leaning in to drop a kiss on her lips. She gestures to a fellow vampire watching them from the bar, his eyes dark and lust filled. Magnus grins and lets Camille pull him by the hand towards the bar._

Magnus starts to watch Alexander Lightwood, try as he might to look away. He sees a young man, bound by duty and honour and a desire to do right. Alec is upstanding, the perfect soldier. If that was all he was, Magnus could look away, perhaps seduce the boy for a night and then move on. But Magnus can see that Alexander is much more than that. He sees the kindness and warmth that Maryse hasn’t quite been able to knock out of her son. He sees Alec’s tenderness towards his sister and his little brother and Jace.

 

_She breaks his heart in the end. As prone as Magnus can be to drama, it’s not a dramatic ending. They have no massive argument, no cruel words flung across empty spaces. In the end, Camille goes away and just never comes back. Somehow, that feels worse. Magnus isn’t even worth her breaking up with him. He’s worth northing at all._

 

Of course, Magnus didn’t have 17,000 exes. He knew that hadn’t been what Alec was asking, and it certainly wasn’t what he was saying. Exes would imply dates, romance, at least a semblance of feelings and emotion and connection. In spite of his reputation as a lothario, Magnus had only fell, really fell, for a handful of people in his centuries of being.

Sex isn’t special to Magnus. Sex is something that you can do within minutes of meeting someone, without knowing their name. It’s for vampires he meets in Pandemonium, lights flashing above head as he pulls them close. It’s for the seelies who have wrapped their long limbs around his neck, ducking their heads to kiss it. It’s the years, decades, he has spent travelling around the globe, picking up and dropping lovers as he’s gone. Lovers come and go; falling in love in something much more permanent, much more terrifying.

Sex isn’t special, but Alec is. With his blue eyes and strong jawline, his gentle smile and sure hands. Somehow, he’s pushed his way past the barriers that Magnus has had up for nearly a century. Somehow, he’s become as essential to Magnus as the air that he breathes and the magic that thrums in his veins. And that’s terrifying.

 

_Every night they spent together, they had sex. When she leaves, Magnus spends a lot of time thinking about that. There were never quiet nights curled up on the sofa, stealing each other’s popcorn and yelling insults at a subpar movie. There were never nights when they were too tired, collapsing into bed in a huddle of sweat and half removed clothes and exhaustion. Every night, they had sex. Magnus starts to think that’s all it was, for Camille at least._

“You’re not the only one who feels vulnerable.”

He is, he’s so vulnerable like this. Alec’s hands are on his face, those deep eyes are staring back at him, and Magnus can feel the edges of himself fray and bleed. He’s in too deep already, he can’t breathe. Sex means nothing, but sex with Alexander would mean everything. Alexander could mean everything. 

“You have nothing to worry about.” 

And Magnus closes his eyes, and lets himself be kissed, and hopes that that’s true.

 


End file.
